Patience

I feel like things are finally starting to look up for me. It’s a very slow process so far, but I’m trying to stay opimistic. People seem to be appreciating my photography. My goal is to have a car and all the photo equipment I need by this time next year. If all goes well next summer with photo jobs, that shouldn’t be a problem at all. I’m going to start playing music again in the next month or so. Actually pretty excited about that. I miss it. I’ve been meditating more and just trying to be happier in general. I hope it works out for me.

Interesting

I caught myself in an instinctual reaction. It was awkward watching myself behave this way. There was no onset. It was immediate. I think if I can catch myself in the act more often and tell myself it’s ridiculous immediately after like I did this time, I may find that I’m a happier person. The road to self-discovery is cumbersome.

Nothing

I couldn’t possibly explain, even with every word I’ve ever known, how GOD DAMN frustrated I am. With EVERYTHING. I hate the way my life is. If I could go back and change it all, I would do it without a second thought. No questions asked.

Things.

Photography is the only thing that gives my life meaning.  I can really feel that this is my calling.  This is what I’m here to do…capture the world and freeze moments in time.  Now I just need the exposure to set in.

Jxrdo

I find that more often than not, words completely fail me. I can’t ever just be happy, sad, something. It’s always complicated. Emotions are always mixed together. Maybe that’s normal. If I had to pick one word to describe how I feel, it would be BORED. Completely bored. With everything… Except my relationship. That seems to be the only thing I can count on to make me happy. Work is boring. Life is boring. I was listening to someone lecture not too long ago and the speaker theorized that the opposite of happiness isn’t sadness, but boredom. I think I agree more every day. Life is very unfulfilling right now. Going to the same boring job. Talking to the same boring people. Seeing the same boring places every day. The monotony makes me crazy. I feel like I’ve been stuck in this loop for awhile now too. I don’t know how to get out of it. I hate feeling like my life is pointless. I know what I want to do in life I just don’t have the resources to get there. That’s frustrating. Hmmm. How do people cope with constant disappointment? I’ll never know.

Hate being sick

A lot has changed since I last wrote. Currently taking Paxil. It’s the first SSRI to have almost no side effects. It’s nice for a change. On about the 3rd week of taking it. It seems to be helping with the panic attacks. I’m also sick, which is weird. I think I’ve been sick twice in the last 3 years. I guess I’m overdue. Been shooting more nightlife photography, but I think it will slow down for a bit. It’s getting cold out. I hate winter. Always been afflicted with seasonal depression. Maybe the Paxil will help with that too. Eating sounds like a good idea. Hope you all are well.

I don’t know.

I feel like I’m meant for so much more, and at the same time I feel completely insignificant.  I feel like I was put here to change lives, but then I feel like I’m delusional.  I want to believe that I am here for something great, but history makes me think I will be born, I will live, and then I will die…the only ones remembering me being the ones close to me during my time on this place.  It makes me want to cry sometimes, but I’m unable to.  I couldn’t force a tear out if I tried.  I want to explain all the great things I’m supposed to do, but they seem like they exist in a place not in this reality.  I feel like I’m brilliant and insane at the same time.  I feel an immense inter-connectedness with everything and everyone, yet horribly alone all at the same time.  I want there to be more.  I need there to be more.  This can’t be all there is.  Language begat consciousness.  Consciousness begat purpose.  Purpose gives us meaning.  What do we do when our purpose seems unattainable?  I refuse to believe I’m alone in these thoughts.

Jesus.

I’m getting so fucking sick of being under-appreciated.  I’ve been trying to make a name for myself as a nightlife photographer and I shoot film so NO ONE thinks I have what it takes to take decent pictures.  Apparently you can ONLY be a photographer here if you have a fucking digital camera.  It’s bullshit.  My pictures are JUST AS GOOD as other people’s.  No one gives a shit.  It takes the fun out of my passion for photography because people criticize my lack of digital media.  Fuck everyone.

I don’t understand.

It seems like everyone in my life gets what they want all the time…new cameras, new phones, new cars, bills paid for them, working jobs I could only dream of…while I’m stuck with fucking nothing. I work my ass off and I’m completely broke. I’ve had to sell everything of value I own just to pay my bills. I pray for good things to happen every day and I still get nothing. It’s hard to be happy for people when I have to watch them get what they want without having to work for it. This life is shit most of the time. I don’t understand. I’ve never had things easy, but everyone around me gets things on a silver platter. This is bullshit. I hate this life. It’s the people that need the most that get shit on more than anyone.

The same thing.

I feel so ignored by everyone all the time.  It seems like it’s too much of a hassle to just have people talk to me.  I don’t talk nearly as much as I used to…basically because I’ve been trained not to speak.  I’m ignored because of the internet, because people have more important things to do, because people don’t care about writing back to me when I say things…blah never mind.  I’m done bitching.  No one reads this anyway.  I’m so sick of being invisible.  It seems like the people I care most about push me away more than anyone.