.

What do you do when life isn’t fun anymore?  What do you do when you’ve completely lost faith in yourself and the world?  What do you do when things you used to be passionate about don’t matter anymore?

I’ve been asking myself these questions a lot lately… with no answers.  No epiphanies.  No “I got it!” moments.  Nothing.  Silence. 

I’ve recently discovered that nothing REALLY matters.  We try to give ourselves little ‘purposes’ here and there, but in the large scheme of things, NOTHING we do matters.  We’re highly organized particles of matter that happen to be at the top of the foodchain, and for some reason, that makes us think we’re somehow ‘better’ than everything…when in reality we’re completely insignificant.  I asked someone for advice the other day and they responded with “Life doesn’t owe us anything.” 

This is a very true statement, but the only reason this struck me as odd is because this is coming from the same person that has  told me my entire life ”Good things come to those who wait.”  If life doesn’t owe us anything, waiting around isn’t going to solve anything.  Waiting isn’t going to create some magic point in time that suddenly makes everything better.  From my experience, waiting is the worst thing you can do in most cases.  It makes life shift from going slow to a complete standstill.  I’m not a positive person most of the time, but even I can understand the concept of being proactive.  Unfortunately, I spent a good majority of my life taking that advice and waiting for this perfect day when everything was supposed to fall into place…and being constantly disappointed. 

So now I’m stuck in this ridiculous existential funk.  I don’t care about much anymore.  I don’t have passion for things the way I used to.  Nothing really seems to matter to me, and it’s just making me feel like there’s no point in trying.  I’ve always heard “When you hit rock bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up.”, which I believe…but then there’s the hopelessness of being at rock bottom for over 3 years.  What do you do when you just don’t care?

Trying.

Life is very confusing and it always seems to be something new as far as obstacles go.  Currently, I’m facing a part-time job that only pays 10 dollars an hour after leaving a full time job that paid 14 and hour.  Struggling financially seems to be the center point for my life most of the time.  I’ve always made incredibly unwise decisions with my money that leave me in a tight spot.  After a year and a half of making 14 dollars an hour, I have absolutely nothing to show for it…except for maybe a bigger stomach from eating out too much.  I hate the ’should haves’ in life.  I should have saved most of that money.  I’d be pretty well off now, but it’s too late for that.  Playing music with my band again.  Seems to be going a lot better this time around.  our music is a lot better, and we’ve all grown as musicians.  It was a much-needed break.

So…trying to find a higher-paying job…and just taking things one day at a time.  My anxiety is always an issue, but I doubt that will ever go away.  Hope you all are well.

.moses.

Hmmm.

It’s been recently brought to my attention that I should start blogging again on here.  I may.  I may not.  We’ll let time decide.

.moses.

Blee Blah Blue Blah

So, I’m sitting here at work…bored…as usual. I’ve come accustomed to Stumbling, which seems to make the days SLIGHTLY more bearable. I came across a picture that seems to suit me well and I wanted to share it with you all. It’s entertaining.

Sounds about right. :p It’s only been the last little while that life has been so confusing to me. I felt like I used to have such a good grip on myself…but lately, I can’t say that with certainty anymore. Everything feels like it’s crumbling down around me. The medication I started has been working well, I think. I still get anxious, but it not really in the same way I used to. It seems to have curbed a lot of the panicky feelings I used to get, but I still get dizzy a lot. I still need to get my sleep thing sorted out. I’m sure I’ve posted about this before, but according to my fiance, I used to stop breathing in my sleep, and I know sleep apnea can be a very serious condition if not treated properly. If only we had universal healthcare here. I can’t afford the help I need. Oh well. I’m hoping everything will work out in due time…either that or I’ll die…I guess those are my only options, eh?

In better news, I’m getting back together with my old band Calm Before the Crash. It’s very exciting times for me. We officially broke up almost 2 years ago, and this has been something I’ve wanted ever since. We’ve all had a lot of time to grow and mature as people, and all the drama that was in the past will hopefully stay there and we can be better than we were before. Don’t be surprised if you see me on TV

Life is confusing. My brain is jumbled. I don’t sleep well. I work too much. Happily in love. That’s me in a nutshell. Hope you all are well.

.moses.

Another weekend passed (past?) ((I hate that))

Tomorrow is the start of another week at work.  I really, REALLY hate my job.  Now that I’m working for FannieMae again, my days are so slow and drawn out.  With Microsoft, at least the days went by quickly.  Oh well, I guess.  The bills have to be paid somehow.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about getting a new job, but every time I look for something, my options fall short of anything I’d ever want to do.  I feel so stuck.  There’s no way I could ever just quit, especially now that I’m living on my own.

I’m going to finish watching a documentary I started called ‘My Brilliant Brain: Born Genius’.  It’s actually very good.  If anyone is interested, you can find it herehttp://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=y3joczbopj

After that’s over, I’m going to head to bed.  Hope everyone is doing well.

.moses.

I can only be who I am

I’ve recently been inspired to write more, and I owe that to a very kind girl.  I don’t know who she is, but she was nice enough to go out of her way to say something meaningful to me.  Thank you, stranger.

As an update to anyone who does read this, I made my first solo rent payment at the beginning of this month.  $575 paid in full to my landlord.  Going from paying as little as 90 bucks a month for rent to 575, it’s quite a leap.  I think I’m doing ok, though.  I’m still alive, which some see as a good thing….plus I have Internet, so I can’t complain much.  I’ve been spending a lot of my time playing games instead of writing music like I should be doing.  I plan on selling most of my things over the next little while…selling or giving away, I should say.  I have too much clutter in my life.  There was a blog I was shown not too long ago that made me rethink my entire life.  That, along with recent events, has lead me to where I am now…I wouldn’t say I’m giving up…just…cleaning out, rather.   I think I’ll feel so much better not having so much random stuff.  I got it from both my parents.  They’re pack rats to the extreme.  If I get to the point where I move out of this place, I don’t want to dread that day.  Moving is so annoying because of all the boxes of meaningless stuff I cart around with me everywhere.  I’m hoping that feeling of being bombarded constantly will end very soon.

In other news, I’ve recently started taking a pill called Luvox.  If you don’t know what it is, wikipedia it.  It was initially made for OCD, but they’ve found over the years that it dramatically reduces panic disorder, which is something I suffer horribly from.  I just ended that sentence with a preposition…sigh.  Anyway, tonight will be the 8th night I take it.  I’ve noticed a bit less anxiety already, but increased tiredness, which for me isn’t necessarily a good thing.  I’m hoping that’s an undesirable side effect that makes its way out of my life shortly.  I need to make a lot of changes in my life right now.  I would list them off here, but I have to keep some things private.  Mainly, I want to be a better person…for myself, and for other people.  I’ve weeded out a lot of the ‘lazy bum’ that I felt I was becoming, but I still have a long way to go for that to leave completely.  I don’t do enough, and that’s a problem.  I always say I need to get out more, but I never do.  I should.  I’m still up and it’s later than I want it to be, so I guess I’ll end on that note.  I hope everyone out there is doing well.  Peace.

.moses.

Things have changed.

So life is very different for me now.  I craved change, and I think I got more than I bargained for.  My relationship seemed to be a bit on the rocks, so I decided it would be best if I moved out and got my own place.  A lot of moving and a lot of money later, I’m in my own place and I’m so lonely.  This wasn’t what I wanted.  I wanted to feel liberated.  I wanted to feel free.  All I feel is isolated.   I don’t really have friends anymore, so my time is spent arranging my apartment and playing video games…what a life, huh?  I have no one to invite to my place…no one to throw a house-warming party with…no one to laugh with, play video games with, lay with, be with.  This sucks.  I’ve never lived on my own before, and I think I know why.  I’m not even sure if I can afford this.  I’ve always been used to sharing expenses, bills, rent, food costs, everything…and now it’s all my responsibility.  I doubt that I can handle this.  I think I can, but money is so tight all of a sudden.  I used to spoil myself constantly.  Going from that to being completely broke all the time sucks.  I’m barely going to be able to pay rent this month, not to mention I still owe my beautiful fiance money for helping me get this place to begin with.  Ugh.  I know I’m just complaining….it’s not like anyone even reads this.  Oh well.  I guess venting is better than not venting.  I’ll try to update more with my progress living on my own…or lack thereof.  Hope you all are well.

.moses.

Things that piss me off today.

1. Remembering how I never understood any of the jokes the first
4 or 5 times I saw Spaceballs.
2. Tattoo parlors that have coupons for laser tattoo removal at
the front desk.
3. Fat people. I know there are SOME people with legitimate
problems out there, but saying your problem is genetic is a
cop-out. Is it genetic to not be able to get on a fucking
treadmill?
4. Taking the bus to work when it’s freezing outside.
5. Watered-down Dr. Pepper.
6. People calling me for help, then telling me I’m doing
my job wrong. Go suck a rail spike, ya bastard.
7. Having to drink caffeine just to slightly mask my constant
lack of sleep.
8. Feeling anxious for no damn reason.
9. Having to come to work to make money. People should be handing me
money for being sexy.
10. Hating everyone at my job.

That’s all I can think of for right now. To be continued…

.moses.

It’s time for rambling

So I’ve come to another junction in my life.  It seems like it’s going to be another one of those really hard times where things seem impossible for the time being.  I’m absolutely fed up with my job, and I think for good this time.  I’ve officially been with Unisys for over a year, and I can’t take it anymore.  I was moved to Microsoft with very high hopes and even higher expectations…which all fell short.  The Microsoft account is a fucking joke.  It takes almost a half an hour just to escalate a ticket to another support group.  The subject matter ‘experts’ are hardly experts.  They make themselves unavailable for most of the day, so it’s impossible to get someone to help you when you actually need it.  Unisys has me back on FannieMae for the time being because they’re missing their service level agreements so terribly, they’re desperate for anyone that can help.  I really hate it over here.  The only perk is being able to use the internet during the day.  Everything else about it sucks.  Back to my main point though.  I’ve been looking for another job, and failing miserably.  There isn’t anything that I could apply for that I would even remotely want to do.  Nothing makes me happy.  There aren’t any jobs in this same field that I am qualified enough for.  I either don’t have the certifications, the experience, or the knowledge.

I feel completely stuck.  I’m in such a weird rut in my life, and I desperately need a way out.  I feel like I’m drowning and there’s no one to pull me out.  It sucks when you know how to swim and you can’t even pull yourself out of the water.  Looking back at previous blogs, it would appear as though I’ve been this way for awhile.  That’s irritating to me.  I tried seeing doctors and none of them did a damn thing for me.  Now I don’t have insurance.  I fucking hate this country.  I spent a good amount of time yesterday reading about the demolition of the world trade center buildings.  It sickens me to think that people actually believe what they’re told.  No one seems to think for themselves…the American dream, right?

As long as there’s breath in my body, I’m not going to give up on doing exactly what I want to do.  I want to finally be happy.  I want to play music, and I want to take pictures everywhere.  That’s my goal.  There’s nothing else I’d rather do.  I want to make money playing music or taking pictures, or both.  I don’t want to slave away at a ‘job’ for the rest of my life like everyone else.  I was put on this planet for better things than being a workhorse.

I wish I could write a blog and have something new…or cool…or exciting to talk about…but I don’t.  Nothing interesting ever happens to me.  I do the same thing day in and day out.  I work, I hardly sleep, and I bitch about it.  Nothing excites me anymore.  There’s a quote I’ve always liked, but never live by, even though I should.  “When you’re at your lowest, the only way to go is up.”  I believe that to be true, but it sucks when your low point continues for months on end.  It feels like it’s always going to be that way.  I guess it’s just something I’m going to have to expect.  Hope everyone is doing well.

.moses.

The Mystery of 2012

I’ve started reading a book called The Mystery of 2012, and it’s everything I wanted it to be.  I would recommend it to anyone that actually cares about the world they live in, or cares about their existence at all for that matter.  It was written by a myriad of authors who all bring their own predictions, philosophies, facts, knowledge, wisdom,  theories, etc to the table.  It’s fascinating in my opinion.  Life has been very hard for me lately.  Too many restless nights…too many bad days…too many unorganized thoughts…to much for my brain to handle.  My reality isn’t the same anymore.  I wish I could explain.  For now, I’ll just wish everyone the best in their lives and hope you’re all doing what you saw yourself doing 10 years ago.  I know I’m not.

.moses.