I’m not sure.

I’m not the same anymore. I don’t have passion for life the way I used to. I don’t know when this all started. I can’t think straight most days. I feel crazy 95% of the time. I don’t seem to have much emotion at all. I’m not depressed. I’m not happy. I just feel so dull. My memory seems to be fading at a ridiculous rate. I don’t really remember what goes on on a day to day basis. I don’t remember anything from my life before age 19…and I’m 24. That’s so sad. I feel like I came from nowhere…and at the same time I feel like I’m going nowhere. Life is so confusing. I’m either anxious or dizzy almost constantly throughout my days. Even right now, I feel like I’m about to pass out…and I’m not even doing anything. I’m just sitting here. I hate writing about this because I feel like I’m repeating myself…even though I don’t write about it much. It’s in my head so often, it never seems like anything new. The worst part is, I’ve trained myself to accept this. I used to fight it, which would make it worse, but now that I know I’m going to feel this way, it doesn’t bother me so much…and I honestly can’t tell you whether that’s a good thing or not. I couldn’t possibly tell you what I need right now, but whatever it is, I don’t have anything even close to it. My life is in shambles. I really feel like I’m going to be one of those 30 year olds that just kills himself out of boredom. I’ve been broke my entire life, so I never have anything to look forward to. I’ve lived paycheck to paycheck for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried every get rich quick scheme I can think of. I’ve tried being creative. I’ve tried art in most forms. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing is the way I remember it being 5 years ago. I don’t remember having these thoughts. I was always so carefree. I miss being that way. I guess in a way I am, but not in the same way. Before, I was actually carefree…now I just don’t give a shit about anything…and for some reason that’s different. I can’t really explain it. Maybe someone else out there knows how I’m feeling. Maybe I’m alone in my thoughts. I feel that way most of the time. Everything is confusing to me. Everything is the same and so different all at once. Help? I’m really afraid this is going to kill me.

~ by mosesport on March 25, 2009.