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I hate how one person can ruin your entire day.  It’s always the person who’s SUPPOSED to care about you the most too.  For better or worse?  More like ‘for better or make me feel like shit until things get better.  If it’s worse, I’ll threaten to leave you”.

Neglected.

Is how I feel…how I’ve felt, actually, for awhile.  I truly believe that to someone in this world, the internet is more important than making ME feel important.  I have certain needs as a person, as every person does, that aren’t being met.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’m tired of feeling unattractive.  I truly believe it’s going to get to a point where I wont be able to take it anymore and I just give up trying and that will be the end of things.  I’m afraid of that.  I try to say how I feel…it seems to be ignored.  This is the only place I have left that’s free of scrutiny.  This is the only place left that isn’t watched, so I can say what I really feel.  I don’t like living this way.

I don’t get it…

The one fucking person that’s supposed to care about me doesn’t even seem to give a shit.  No call, no text…no form of communication for over 7 hours….and I’m supposed to marry this person?  Am I taking fucking crazy pills?  Am I the ONLY person that doesn’t think this is ok?  I can understand and respect her needing space, but staying out til 5 in the morning on a fucking work night with absolutely NO attempt at letting me know what’s going on…. that’s bullshit.  She’s REALLY shown how much she cares…..especially for someone who’s already cheated on me in the past and claims to have changed…she should know better.  Fuck this.

Jesus.

I’m getting so fucking sick of being under-appreciated.  I’ve been trying to make a name for myself as a nightlife photographer and I shoot film so NO ONE thinks I have what it takes to take decent pictures.  Apparently you can ONLY be a photographer here if you have a fucking digital camera.  It’s bullshit.  My pictures are JUST AS GOOD as other people’s.  No one gives a shit.  It takes the fun out of my passion for photography because people criticize my lack of digital media.  Fuck everyone.

I don’t understand.

It seems like everyone in my life gets what they want all the time…new cameras, new phones, new cars, bills paid for them, working jobs I could only dream of…while I’m stuck with fucking nothing. I work my ass off and I’m completely broke. I’ve had to sell everything of value I own just to pay my bills. I pray for good things to happen every day and I still get nothing. It’s hard to be happy for people when I have to watch them get what they want without having to work for it. This life is shit most of the time. I don’t understand. I’ve never had things easy, but everyone around me gets things on a silver platter. This is bullshit. I hate this life. It’s the people that need the most that get shit on more than anyone.

The same thing.

I feel so ignored by everyone all the time.  It seems like it’s too much of a hassle to just have people talk to me.  I don’t talk nearly as much as I used to…basically because I’ve been trained not to speak.  I’m ignored because of the internet, because people have more important things to do, because people don’t care about writing back to me when I say things…blah never mind.  I’m done bitching.  No one reads this anyway.  I’m so sick of being invisible.  It seems like the people I care most about push me away more than anyone.

Weeee!

Got fired from my job today… just when I was ALMOST caught up with all my bills.  And now I start back at zero.  This life is a waste of time.  I have nothing going for me.  No money, no job, no car, nothing of value.  This is all a waste.  I have no desire to do anything anymore.  When I did have a job, I hated being there.  The money I made was BARELY enough to pay my bills.  And now I’m back to where I started.  Bills are going to start piling up again with no money to pay them…right when I was so close.  Seems like everything good is taken away from me.  It’s been that way since I can remember.  If history repeats itself, I have nothing to look forward to.  Why do I even try anymore?  There’s no point to any of this.

I’m not sure.

I’m not the same anymore. I don’t have passion for life the way I used to. I don’t know when this all started. I can’t think straight most days. I feel crazy 95% of the time. I don’t seem to have much emotion at all. I’m not depressed. I’m not happy. I just feel so dull. My memory seems to be fading at a ridiculous rate. I don’t really remember what goes on on a day to day basis. I don’t remember anything from my life before age 19…and I’m 24. That’s so sad. I feel like I came from nowhere…and at the same time I feel like I’m going nowhere. Life is so confusing. I’m either anxious or dizzy almost constantly throughout my days. Even right now, I feel like I’m about to pass out…and I’m not even doing anything. I’m just sitting here. I hate writing about this because I feel like I’m repeating myself…even though I don’t write about it much. It’s in my head so often, it never seems like anything new. The worst part is, I’ve trained myself to accept this. I used to fight it, which would make it worse, but now that I know I’m going to feel this way, it doesn’t bother me so much…and I honestly can’t tell you whether that’s a good thing or not. I couldn’t possibly tell you what I need right now, but whatever it is, I don’t have anything even close to it. My life is in shambles. I really feel like I’m going to be one of those 30 year olds that just kills himself out of boredom. I’ve been broke my entire life, so I never have anything to look forward to. I’ve lived paycheck to paycheck for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried every get rich quick scheme I can think of. I’ve tried being creative. I’ve tried art in most forms. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing is the way I remember it being 5 years ago. I don’t remember having these thoughts. I was always so carefree. I miss being that way. I guess in a way I am, but not in the same way. Before, I was actually carefree…now I just don’t give a shit about anything…and for some reason that’s different. I can’t really explain it. Maybe someone else out there knows how I’m feeling. Maybe I’m alone in my thoughts. I feel that way most of the time. Everything is confusing to me. Everything is the same and so different all at once. Help? I’m really afraid this is going to kill me.

Bored with life. Completely.

I’m going to stick with what I said two posts ago. I am completely listless. I’m boring…dull…not funny… Bored all the time…and honestly just sick of my life. Almost every aspect of my life is shit to me. My fiance is the only thing I can say for certain I actually care about anymore. I spend most days wondering why she even stays. Maybe she knows deep down that she’s the only reason I’m still here and doesn’t want to see me blow my brains out if she leaves. Who knows. The only thing I’m sure of anymore is that I don’t know anything. Why do people who truly hate living continue to exist? I’ll never understand it. This existence is a waste of time for everyone involved.

Stuff

Today was one of the better days I’ve had in quite some time.  Went over to my friend’s house so he could help me finish mastering a track for my band’s album.  We finally finished the first one! I ‘m really excited about that.  When I got home, I found a letter from my bank saying they paid off my negative balance that WAS being sent to collections.  Thank you SO much!