Jxrdo

I find that more often than not, words completely fail me. I can’t ever just be happy, sad, something. It’s always complicated. Emotions are always mixed together. Maybe that’s normal. If I had to pick one word to describe how I feel, it would be BORED. Completely bored. With everything… Except my relationship. That seems to be the only thing I can count on to make me happy. Work is boring. Life is boring. Ibwas listening to someone lecture not too long ago and he theorized that the opposite of happiness isn’t sadness, but boredom. I think I agree more every day. Life is very unfulfilling right now. Going to the same boring job. Talking to the same boring people. Seeing the same boring places every day. The monotony makes me crazy. I feel like I’ve been stuck in this loop for awhile now too. I don’t know how to get out of it. I hate feeling like my life is pointless. I know what I want to do in life I just don’t have the resources to get there. That’s frustrating. Hmmm. How do people cope with constant disappointment? I’ll never know.

Hate being sick

A lot has changed since I last wrote. Currently taking Paxil. It’s the first SSRI to have almost no side effects. It’s nice for a change. On about the 3rd week of taking it. It seems to be helping with the panic attacks. I’m also sick, which is weird. I think I’ve been sick twice in the last 3 years. I guess I’m overdue. Been shooting more nightlife photography, but I think it will slow down for a bit. It’s getting cold out. I hate winter. Always been afflicted with seasonal depression. Maybe the Paxil will help with that too. Eating sounds like a good idea. Hope you all are well.

I don’t know.

I feel like I’m meant for so much more, and at the same time I feel completely insignificant.  I feel like I was put here to change lives, but then I feel like I’m delusional.  I want to believe that I am here for something great, but history makes me think I will be born, I will live, and then I will die…the only ones remembering me being the ones close to me during my time on this place.  It makes me want to cry sometimes, but I’m unable to.  I couldn’t force a tear out if I tried.  I want to explain all the great things I’m supposed to do, but they seem like they exist in a place not in this reality.  I feel like I’m brilliant and insane at the same time.  I feel an immense inter-connectedness with everything and everyone, yet horribly alone all at the same time.  I want there to be more.  I need there to be more.  This can’t be all there is.  Language begat consciousness.  Consciousness begat purpose.  Purpose gives us meaning.  What do we do when our purpose seems unattainable?  I refuse to believe I’m alone in these thoughts.

Jesus.

I’m getting so fucking sick of being under-appreciated.  I’ve been trying to make a name for myself as a nightlife photographer and I shoot film so NO ONE thinks I have what it takes to take decent pictures.  Apparently you can ONLY be a photographer here if you have a fucking digital camera.  It’s bullshit.  My pictures are JUST AS GOOD as other people’s.  No one gives a shit.  It takes the fun out of my passion for photography because people criticize my lack of digital media.  Fuck everyone.

I don’t understand.

It seems like everyone in my life gets what they want all the time…new cameras, new phones, new cars, bills paid for them, working jobs I could only dream of…while I’m stuck with fucking nothing. I work my ass off and I’m completely broke. I’ve had to sell everything of value I own just to pay my bills. I pray for good things to happen every day and I still get nothing. It’s hard to be happy for people when I have to watch them get what they want without having to work for it. This life is shit most of the time. I don’t understand. I’ve never had things easy, but everyone around me gets things on a silver platter. This is bullshit. I hate this life. It’s the people that need the most that get shit on more than anyone.

The same thing.

I feel so ignored by everyone all the time.  It seems like it’s too much of a hassle to just have people talk to me.  I don’t talk nearly as much as I used to…basically because I’ve been trained not to speak.  I’m ignored because of the internet, because people have more important things to do, because people don’t care about writing back to me when I say things…blah never mind.  I’m done bitching.  No one reads this anyway.  I’m so sick of being invisible.  It seems like the people I care most about push me away more than anyone.

Weeee!

Got fired from my job today… just when I was ALMOST caught up with all my bills.  And now I start back at zero.  This life is a waste of time.  I have nothing going for me.  No money, no job, no car, nothing of value.  This is all a waste.  I have no desire to do anything anymore.  When I did have a job, I hated being there.  The money I made was BARELY enough to pay my bills.  And now I’m back to where I started.  Bills are going to start piling up again with no money to pay them…right when I was so close.  Seems like everything good is taken away from me.  It’s been that way since I can remember.  If history repeats itself, I have nothing to look forward to.  Why do I even try anymore?  There’s no point to any of this.

I’m not sure.

I’m not the same anymore. I don’t have passion for life the way I used to. I don’t know when this all started. I can’t think straight most days. I feel crazy 95% of the time. I don’t seem to have much emotion at all. I’m not depressed. I’m not happy. I just feel so dull. My memory seems to be fading at a ridiculous rate. I don’t really remember what goes on on a day to day basis. I don’t remember anything from my life before age 19…and I’m 24. That’s so sad. I feel like I came from nowhere…and at the same time I feel like I’m going nowhere. Life is so confusing. I’m either anxious or dizzy almost constantly throughout my days. Even right now, I feel like I’m about to pass out…and I’m not even doing anything. I’m just sitting here. I hate writing about this because I feel like I’m repeating myself…even though I don’t write about it much. It’s in my head so often, it never seems like anything new. The worst part is, I’ve trained myself to accept this. I used to fight it, which would make it worse, but now that I know I’m going to feel this way, it doesn’t bother me so much…and I honestly can’t tell you whether that’s a good thing or not. I couldn’t possibly tell you what I need right now, but whatever it is, I don’t have anything even close to it. My life is in shambles. I really feel like I’m going to be one of those 30 year olds that just kills himself out of boredom. I’ve been broke my entire life, so I never have anything to look forward to. I’ve lived paycheck to paycheck for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried every get rich quick scheme I can think of. I’ve tried being creative. I’ve tried art in most forms. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing is the way I remember it being 5 years ago. I don’t remember having these thoughts. I was always so carefree. I miss being that way. I guess in a way I am, but not in the same way. Before, I was actually carefree…now I just don’t give a shit about anything…and for some reason that’s different. I can’t really explain it. Maybe someone else out there knows how I’m feeling. Maybe I’m alone in my thoughts. I feel that way most of the time. Everything is confusing to me. Everything is the same and so different all at once. Help? I’m really afraid this is going to kill me.

Bored with life. Completely.

I’m going to stick with what I said two posts ago. I am completely listless. I’m boring…dull…not funny… Bored all the time…and honestly just sick of my life. Almost every aspect of my life is shit to me. My fiance is the only thing I can say for certain I actually care about anymore. I spend most days wondering why she even stays. Maybe she knows deep down that she’s the only reason I’m still here and doesn’t want to see me blow my brains out if she leaves. Who knows. The only thing I’m sure of anymore is that I don’t know anything. Why do people who truly hate living continue to exist? I’ll never understand it. This existence is a waste of time for everyone involved.

Stuff

Today was one of the better days I’ve had in quite some time.  Went over to my friend’s house so he could help me finish mastering a track for my band’s album.  We finally finished the first one! I ‘m really excited about that.  When I got home, I found a letter from my bank saying they paid off my negative balance that WAS being sent to collections.  Thank you SO much!